Reluctant Hero

I called Rinoa today. I have no idea why. Just talking about her yesterday, I had the urge to call her, hear her voice. Maybe even ask to see her again. She was... short with me. She was kind enough, but she had no idea what to say. I asked if she wanted to go out for a coffee or something, but I knew it was a bad idea even before I'd half asked the question.

She said no. She was as gentle about it as always, of course, but she said no.

I spent the rest of the day and last night working so hard I have a headache and now I can hardly see what I'm writing. I need to sleep and maybe have the afternoon off.

I don't handle rejection well.

Oh. Rinoa.

I saw her, when she was here, just for five minutes. I stood on the steps at the front of Garden to welcome her, officially, so that she could come in and see all her friends. She rushed up to kiss my cheek and hug me. She hasn't changed a bit. She didn't let me be awkward with her, at least not in the five minutes she spent with me. She asked how I was and I said, "Fine." I wasn't. I wish things would go back to normal between us. I guess it's wrong to want her back, right?

She asked if I got out of my office anymore. Asked if I had any freedom now.

She liked getting away from Garden with me. Some days she would come into my office, flushed and bright from being outdoors, and grab me by the arm. I never had the heart to refuse her, so I'd let her pull me outside. She said that she liked the freedom, liked making me free, too. I never remembered being chained up, exactly, but I never said anything.

Now she's gone, I understand. Locked in my office, I'm not free. I chain myself to my desk and papers and work.

It's better than thinking of what I've lost, though.

Sorry I haven't written anything in here for so long. Real life took over for a long time, it's been a hectic time. Anyway, now I have five minutes, so...

I was thinking about something that's been bothering me.

People think that because I'm quiet and I don't speak up to defend myself when people are slagging me off, I'm not proud. They think that I'm not ambitious because I didn't want to be Commander. They think that because I did what I was trained to do and saved the world, that I'm self sacrificing and almost angelic. But I'm not. I'm not at all what they think I am.

If I wasn't proud, why would that prick Seifer get under my skin so well? He's as proud as me, and we clashed. He'd insult me, and I'd ignore him. He'd insult me again, and I'd fight. To protect my honour. Out of pride.

I'm ambitious. I want to be the best, I want to beat Seifer. I didn't want to be Commander because that would get in the way. I don't want to beat Seifer by being a higher rank than him. I want to beat him with my gunblade, with no GFs. No sorceresses. No back up. Just me and him. It's not that I don't have ambitions. I just don't have the ambitions they'd expect from me.

I'm not self sacrificing or angelic. I fucking enjoyed that war. I liked it. I actually wanted to continue it, so I could fight Seifer again and again. I wanted to stay by Rinoa's side and fight with her forever, instead of end the war and have our real lives come in between us.

I'm not anything they think I am. Does that mean I'm living a lie?

Seifer turned up.

After that, of course, there was trouble in Garden. He misjudged how strongly people hate him after what happened during the war. He's staying in Balamb, with Raijin and Fujin, and people are unhappy about it. The one good thing about his presence is that it takes some of the spotlight off me - people are too busy hating him to adore me so much.

The bad thing about his presence is that Rinoa wants to come to see him.

I'll write more later. I don't... feel like it now.

Looks like Balamb Garden is returning to the old spot near Balamb for a while.

I wonder if Seifer will be in Balamb tomorrow? I know he had trouble there, but...

It might be nice to see him.

I was talking to some of the new SeeD cadets as part of their training yesterday. A lot of them said that they wanted to be as brave as me. They joined SeeD so they could be as brave as me? Why would being a SeeD make them brave?

I'm a SeeD, and I still get frightened. So does any decent SeeD when faced with, say, a marlboro. When I was with Rinoa, I always used to be frightened I'd lose her or she'd leave me for the tiniest of reasons... that's not brave.

But, in the dictionary:
The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

I'm not brave, but I can be calm and confident in a fight. I can be scared to death in a battle but I'll still fight as if I don't care. I don't really know what to think of that. Maybe we're training them so they can pretend to be brave?

I don't care. Just teach them to complete their missions and it'll be fine.

Since this journal is new and I haven't said much in it yet, if you would like to ask me any questions, please do.

I didn't write for a while because I was away from Garden. Something came up in Galbadia so Quistis and I went to try and resolve it. I've been raised to fight, not play these diplomatic games, but as long as it works, I suppose it can't be bad.

During the meetings I got a chance to leave the city for a while. Took Lionheart out on my own and fought some wendigos. Easy, but if you're not careful with your strategy...

It felt good to fight. There's a mindless quality to the constant moving and swiping with the blade, but there's something in it. If you just think about strategy and keeping moving, you don't think of anything else.

That was what I enjoyed most about duelling with Seifer. It was a chance to forget about class and rules and how I was supposed to act. All there was was trying to stay one step ahead of him. He was always such a quick thinker, maybe a little rash, but it worked. It was... a freedom from Garden. It was never complicated, with him. We never had to have long conversations to be comfortable with each other. 'Awkward silences' never happened. Not like me and Rinoa.

I miss Seifer for that.

The counsellor insisted I should write every day in this thing, so despite the fact that I have nothing to say, here I am.

The counsellor reminds me of Rinoa. She calls that a positive thing, but I'm not so sure. She's always touching me, putting a hand on my arm, shaking my hand when we meet and again when we part. She kisses me on the cheek sometimes, too. It's almost scary how she trusts me not to hurt her - I'm a soldier. What if I just couldn't stop myself from hitting her? What if I would like to kill her?

I used not to mind the killing. The things were just monsters, after all. But now, the blood and gore and the twitching bodies... I can't stand it. What if someone were to do that to me? To Rinoa? What if, someday, I have to do that to Rinoa?

I'm not fit for duty any more. But I won't admit that to anyone else - not even the god damned counsellor.

SeeD spies tell me Almasy has come out of hiding. It might be too soon. We'll see. He can take care of himself. He's probably not afraid of anything.

My counsellor said I should keep a journal. It sounds like a stupid idea but if I don't, Quistis and the others will be on my back from now until I die. I could just say I am keeping one, but... I don't like lying. It confuses things.

I broke up with Rinoa... two months ago now? It feels like an age ago.

She liked talking about how we were meant to be. Lying on my bed, her head on my chest, I felt content. She told me that it was destiny that we were to be together.

Obviously not really.

My counsellor says it was an obsession. Not real love. What did she know about it? Rinoa made me happy. She wasn't a SeeD, wasn't someone who had ever laughed at me in class before I learnt how to take care of myself. She didn't know all that much about my past and that was good. She would talk, so I didn't have to.

Maybe it was destiny that we met, loved, and drew apart. Maybe.